rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
