Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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