There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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