So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
