I wanna bring you to show and tell
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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