i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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