i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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