When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
