the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
