Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
