I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's Friday. Sex?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
