Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My vagina just recognized that song.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
