my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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