Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
