So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
