So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
