she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
