the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
