I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
