I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
