32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
