she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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