I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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