i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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