A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
