so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
