i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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