he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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