i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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