btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i barfeds in our rink
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
