My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
