so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
