if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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