DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
