god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
