Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
