some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
