It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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