if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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