when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
