For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
