Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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