life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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