Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
