It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
