I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
