guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
