My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
