So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
