The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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