I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
