Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
