Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
